I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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