It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
