tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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