I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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