take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
