Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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