Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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