Umm I'm too high to move.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
