Can i not drive my cunt home
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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