I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
