And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
