All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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