The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
