You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
