It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
