Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
