I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
