he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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