he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
