last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
