Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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