i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
