Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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