WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
