Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
