Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
