i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think my vagina is haunted
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
