Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
