I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
