Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
