I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
