I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
