i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
