I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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