dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
