You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
