I wish I only lived at night.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
