conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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