We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I could fuck to npr.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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