I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
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