the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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