She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
