So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
