my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
