My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
