Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
