i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
