You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
