I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
