The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
