My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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