after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
