I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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