The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
