I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
