Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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