Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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