this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What a dumb baby whore.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
