You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
