Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just found puke in my bra..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.