I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.