remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it was like eating out sand paper
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity