the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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