Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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